Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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