FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
