if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
