At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
