I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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