I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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