I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
