so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
