So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
whose parrot is this?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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