so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
