Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
