my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
