I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize