if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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