You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
