I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
