if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Randomize
