I smell stomach acid.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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