the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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