Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
