Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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