I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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