my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
