Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
