So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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