I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
