why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
