I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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