I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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