Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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