So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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