Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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