woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
