Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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