So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
