Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
pop tarts are not kleenex
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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