i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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