Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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