Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
zippers are such a cool invention
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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