My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
