Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
