I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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