I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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