grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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