I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
