the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
