why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
