Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
