My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
