so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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