is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
