If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
