You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
