I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
