I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
