oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
